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I recently encountered someone who acted condescending toward me. They put on an air of superiority and treated me as though I wasn’t very bright. I’m not the smartest person I know, but I did qualify for membership in Mensa, the high-IQ society. (To be clear, it’s nothing to be proud of. It’s something you’re born with. It would be like being proud of having feet.) In this article, I’ll show you how to deal with condescending people.
Condescending people use phrases like:
- “Obviously…”
- “Maybe you didn’t realize…”
- “I’m not sure you’ll be able to understand this, but…”
Hopefully, you don’t have to deal with condescending people very often, but when you do, it’s nice to have some tools to help.
How to Deal with Condescending People
Here are five tips and an infographic to help the next time you deal with a condescending person, bless their heart. (Oh wait, am I being condescending?)
- Choose your battles. As with most human-relations issues, it helps to understand where the condescension is coming from. In my experience, it’s often an attempt to mask real or perceived inadequacies. I once asked a cable television installer what type of cable he was using. He got huffy, told me I wouldn’t understand, and walked away. He could have said RG-6 or RG-59, or he could have said, “I’m not sure.” My guess is that he didn’t know and didn’t want to admit it. It wasn’t worth the time or effort to pursue it, so I just dropped it at the time. Later I looked at the cable to see the designation.
- Call them out on it. I had a friend who was talking down to me once. I smiled, looked him in the eye, and said, “Let’s lose the condescension.” He hasn’t tried it since, and we’re still friends. Frankly, I don’t think he was even aware that he was doing that. Some other options include:
“I’m not sure if you intended that to sound dismissive. Maybe try a rephrase?”
“That came out a little differently than I think you meant.” - Ask for clarification in a way that requires substance. This is actually kind of fun, because it forces the condescending person to explain themselves and the idea they’re trying to get across. Here are some samples:
“Can you walk me through your thinking, please?”
“What’s your source on that?”
“What is the outcome you’re expecting?” - Focus on the words and behavior, not the person. This actually contradicts what I said in point #2. This is also effective and perhaps a bit more gentle.
“That seems almost judgmental instead of collaborative. Is that what you meant?”
“When you shut down an idea so quickly, it stifles discussion.” - Silence can be golden. Silence is uncomfortable. If someone acts condescendingly toward you, don’t say anything. Just let it sit there for a few moments. I often use my facial expressions at times like that. Here’s what can happen:
• The other person softens their tone.
• They backpedal.
• Someone else jumps in and redirects.
Why Do People Act Condescendingly?
People act condescendingly to compensate for their own insecurities when they’re concerned about their status, they have a lack of self-awareness, poor emotional intelligence, or poor communication skills.
Deal with them by monitoring your own behavior, protecting your credibility, acting with dignity and respect (regardless of how the other person is acting), and respectfully setting boundaries.
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